Grief is a funny thing. It hits you when you least expect it. One second, you’re sitting on the couch laughing at a funny T.V. show, the next you’re breaking down into tears. There’s no rhyme or reason.
My grandpa is the first person I’ve lost that I’ve been close with, which I think makes the grieving process a little more complicated because I’ve never really had to do it before. I don’t think I’ve ever grieved before at this capacity. It’s almost a surreal feeling, like I don’t believe it.
My family and I knew his death was coming and we got to spend time with him up until his final moments. The grief began in those moments, before his inevitable decline, before he took his last breath. I was grieving someone who was still alive. I felt like a bad person, grieving for someone who was still alive.
However, if I’m being honest with myself, the last few days he wasn’t who he used to be. His spirit was trapped inside of a body that could no longer support him. So, in a sense, we had already lost him. It’s not only the loss of my grandfather that I was/am grieving, but I was also grieving the loss of the man I used to know.
Grief is something no one can prepare you for. Every person grieves so differently. I’m still trying to figure out how I’m grieving. Sometimes it comes as a wave of sadness and the tears break loose. Sometimes I feel myself getting upset and I take it out on others. Other times I zone out completely and can’t remember what anyone did or said around me.
There’s a lot of complicated emotions and feelings, but grief might be the most difficult one I’ve had to feel. I feel guilty when I feel happy, but I also feel guilty when I’m sad. It’s confusing to me how I can feel happy about other things, when someone I love just died. But when I’m feeling sad, I get upset with myself because I know he wouldn’t want me to dwell on his death. He would want me to continue to live and to make him proud.
As I continue to go through this grieving process, I need to try and give myself some grace. There are no instructions for how to feel after the death of a loved one, no matter how badly I want there to be. This journey has been one of the hardest I’ve faced so far in my short life, and I can’t help but feel grateful that I get to experience it, because it confirms to me that he was an important part of my life, and I loved him so much.
I can’t thank my fiancé enough for being so patient with me throughout these last couple of days. She’s been an incredible support. Letting me have space when I need, letting me talk if and when I need to talk, and giving the best hugs. This would have been a brutal process without her and I’m so grateful I get to do life with her. I’m so glad she had the opportunity to meet him. I know he loved her, and he’ll be watching the wedding with a smile on his face.
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