Coming out is where my journey to happiness began. Growing up I was a relatively happy kid, but as I got older, I could tell there was something different about me. I couldn’t figure out what or how I was feeling, which lead to a lot of anxiety and eventual depression.
I went to a catholic school from kindergarten through twelfth grade, so sex and sexuality was never a topic of discussion. And when it was, it was never a positive discussion. I didn’t understand what I was feeling, because I didn’t understand what being gay was, or that it was even a possibility for me.
It wasn’t until junior or senior year in high school when I really started to realize I wasn’t like the other girls in my class. I didn’t fawn over boys the way they did. I had a few boyfriends throughout high school, but there was never a connection. It always felt like we were just friends. I remember writing in my journal in high school questioning what it was that was wrong with me. Then one night I was browsing through YouTube and found Shannon Beveridge. At the time she was in a relationship with Cammie Scott. It was my first experience engaging with any sort of content from the LGBTQ+ community and it felt like I was doing something wrong. I didn’t even realize that people in the community were allowed to live so openly.
I had always looked at LGBTQ+ individuals as strange or weird people that I didn’t want to be associated with. If I’m being honest though, that’s just kind of what I grew up learning, that they were sinners. Now I look back on that time and what was happening was I was secretly jealous of the people that got to live their true identities. I was upset because they had figured themselves out and I was still struggling to come to terms that I was different.
As time went on, I pushed it to the back of my mind and threw myself into sports. Sports were an outlet for me, but it also gave me something to hyperfocus on, so I didn’t have to focus on the feelings that were so confusing to me.
I graduated high school and, still struggling, got ready to begin my freshman year of college. As the year went on, I was exposed to different types of people and had a lot of experiences I never had the opportunity to have going to a small catholic school. It felt like I was finally starting to feel a little bit more at ease with myself. However, I was still confused and felt like I was broken. It started to get dark and scary.
I went home one weekend and was staying with my older sister, and one day I walked up to her and asked if we could talk. That’s when I asked her THE question. I asked if she had ever questioned her sexuality before. She told me that she had and then began to ask me questions about how I was feeling. I don’t remember a lot of the conversation because I ended up having a panic attack. The panic attack became so bad that my sister had to call my mom, explain what had happened, and my mom had to come over and help me calm down. The conversation ended with me being told that it was normal to question my sexuality, but it would eventually pass.
Months had passed and I was now beginning my sophomore year of college. Again, I had shoved everything I was feeling down and I was in a dark place. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I didn’t know who to talk to. I couldn’t talk to my parents and the last time I talked to my sister about it I went into a panic. I needed to talk to someone who could be neutral, and the only person I could think of was my aunt. So, I went for a walk, and I called her. My aunt and I aren’t super close, so she seemed concerned that I was calling. Eventually, I just said it. I told her that I thought I was gay, and I was struggling. I remember what she said next so clearly. She said, “Jolee, who cares.” It wasn’t meant to be rude, and she didn’t mean she didn’t care. But I understood what she meant. She meant, who cares that you’re gay, that doesn’t change a thing about you. With that one sentence, in that specific tone, my perspective changed.
It wasn’t long after that that I came out to my parents. Which went better than I had expected. It was a learning curve for us all, and if I’m being honest, it’s still a bit of learning curve 7 years later. Growing up with a religious family made things complicated. But that’s a story for a different day. After coming out to my parents, I came out to my roommates and all my friends. The day I came out to my parents, I felt the greatest relief of my life. It felt like the whole world was picked up off my shoulders and thrown back into orbit.
I struggled a little bit after that, but eventually I started to love myself and care less about what other people think. Even if those other people are my family. Living my most authentic life is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I still struggle every now and then, but I don’t hate myself anymore. I love who I am, and I love the community that I am a part of.
I want people to know that they are not alone in their feelings. Somebody else has felt the exact way you do right now, and they made it through. That doesn’t mean it was easy, because trust me, it’s not, but it’s worth it. It’s worth the pain and the agony and the darkness, because once you get through it there is the brightest light. This is the happiest I have ever been, because I am finally able to love and accept myself. I am finally able to live as my authentic self.
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